


Without You

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Feels Guilty, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, BAMF Alec Lightwood, BAMF Jace Wayland, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Broken Parabatai Bond, But also, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Episode: s02e02 A Door Into the Dark, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt No Comfort, I do NOT give him the nice things, I don't give him the nice things either, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Jace Wayland Feels, M/M, Major Character Injury, Protective Jace Wayland, Tags Are Hard, also please note the MCD tag above, and I'm sorry, and might make you cry, good luck, just a couple lines though, no beta we die like men, this is very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24087844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: When Alec meets a nest of demons one night and Jace comes to his rescue, the night takes a devastating turn that neither of them expected.Warning for major character death. No happy ending. I'm evil.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 41
Kudos: 71
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I was watching the parabatai episodes in season 2 (you know the ones) and I guess it really, _really_ put me in the mood to write parabatai feels, because this is...shit, this is probably the saddest thing I've ever written. It's technically set during those episodes in season 2, but I think it could probably be read stand-alone too. 
> 
> Please do take careful note of the MCD warning above. That's the central point of this story. On that note, please feel free to scream at me in the comments for hurting you. I put the implied/referenced self harm tag up there because there are a couple of lines that mention that, but it's very vague and doesn't go into detail. Still, if you think that could be a problem for you, please stay safe <3 
> 
> Without further ado, let's get into the story! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec couldn’t be there anymore.

He couldn’t be at the Institute, surrounded by people that thought Jace was a traitor. He couldn’t be in the same building that Victor Aldertree, who wanted to hunt Jace down and prosecute him for crimes against the Clave, if not murder him, dictated. 

Alec couldn’t be anywhere near that man, or he was going to do something they’d both regret.

Alec stole away in the middle of the night, bow and quiver strapped to his back for safeguarding, and activated his anti-tracking rune the minute he passed the Institute’s doors. He didn’t need Isabelle getting worried, even though he’d left her a note explaining why he left, and trying to track him.

He just needed to be alone for a while.

Alec wandered the city for hours, glamoured so no mundanes would have the urge to reveal their sorrows to him under the guise of moonlight. His hands were bloody from arrows he’d fired into the sky at random, angry and hurting and, more than anything, wishing on all of the stars in the night sky for a chance to find his parabatai. 

It was about two in the morning, after walking around New York for close to three hours, when Alec stumbled across the alleyway. He recognised the scent immediately; demon ichor. 

Alec slid an arrow from his quiver and prepared to let it fly, straight and true, into the demon’s throat. And he did just that; but one demon turned into three and three into six and six into eight. They seemed to metastasize in the darkness, their shapes rapidly growing larger and more threatening. Alec clutched his bow, his eyes blown wide.

_Eight demons._

Alec felt fear clench his heart in a vice-like grip. Eight demons would be too many for even an older, more experienced Shadowhunter to take on by themselves. 

He would never survive an attack by eight demons.

Alec’s heart pounded in his throat. He didn’t want to die. Not now, not after everything he’d been through. He wanted to at least have the chance to have something real with Magnus. He wanted to experience true love before he died. 

And by the Angel, he _deserved_ to.

Still, Alec stayed. Common sense and the incessant desire for self-preservation screamed at him to just go, to run before they could kill him and leave Jace and Izzy alone. However, the Shadowhunter that his parents raised knew that he couldn’t back down from a fight. Running away would be cowardly.

And Alec was _not_ a coward.

Alec pulled a blade he always kept in a holster on his ankle free and sank it into the nearest demon’s abdomen. It screamed in pain and vanished. A small sense of satisfaction bloomed in his chest and he pulled his blade free, preparing to face another of the creatures. Before he could even turn around, he was already being shoved back with the force of a dozen freight trains from one of the demons’ talons.

Alec’s back hit the wall with a sickening crack and pain shot up his spine. He could feel the demon’s rotten breath on his face; it was right in front of him, preparing to close in for the kill. He grabbed one of the arrows from his quiver and sank it into the closest part of the demon, which happened to be its long, misshapen arm. The demon roared in outrage, but Alec’s strike failed to kill it. 

Alec picked himself up from where he’d landed on the ground and searched desperately for his blade, dodging the demon’s attacks as best he could. One of their talons raked sharply across his side, and he groaned in pain, gripping his hip. He finally found the blade, half-hidden behind a dumpster. He picked it up and ran it through the demon’s spine. 

Two more gathered at the end of the alleyway, clearly preparing to strike. Alec raised his bow and hit one demon through the eyes. He watched with a grim sort of pleasure as it vanished into dust. The remaining five demons wasted no time; the first of the group lunged at Alec, an attack that he only just barely managed to miss. Alec threw the blade like a javelin and hit the demon dead-center. Four more remained. 

Alec fought on doggedly, zigzagging in unclear patterns to make himself a harder target. He managed to kill another, but one of the three that were left sunk its teeth into Alec’s shoulder. Alec cried out in pain, twisting sideways and stumbling over to the wall under the force of the bite. He felt the venom from the demon’s teeth coursing through his veins, and it made him fall haphazardly to his knees. 

Weakly, and without much thought for aim, he hoisted his bow again and shot an arrow into the darkness. He heard an anguished scream and knew the arrow had hit its mark, but he was too tired to care. His eyes were slipping closed, and Alec knew he had mere minutes before he passed out. He fumbled for his stele in the dark. If he could just activate an iratze, he might have a chance.

The remaining two demons began to close in. 

~ ~ ~

Jace was keyed up, on edge; Valentine had finally brought him into the mundane world instead of hiding him on that godforsaken ship. He felt his very veins burn with disgust at the sight of the man next to him. He was smiling.

_As if he has any right to smile after what he’s done._

Jace wondered, for a brief moment that was certainly not the first one of its kind since he disappeared through Valentine’s portal, if he really was any different from his father at all. He’d held Maria, cornered her, killed her; Though she _had_ attacked him first, there was no use in denying the fact that he wanted to kill her. God, did he ever.

Valentine seemed to know that, too.

Suddenly, a burning, white-hot pain jolted through his entire body. Jace dropped to his knees, clutching the parabatai rune on his hip. It flashed with pain again, and he found himself gasping for breath. The agony it was trying to convey to him was the worst thing that Jace had ever felt.

_Alec._

Without sparing his father, who stood and watched on with amusement, a second glance, Jace began to run in the direction of the pain’s origin.

He had to get to Alec.

It was at least a few minutes later when Jace arrived in the alleyway, skidding to a halt at the sight of Alec’s limp body lying against the concrete wall. The demons that had congregated around him, clearing preparing to strike again, this time fatally, did nothing to alleviate his panic. 

Jace drew a seraph blade from his belt and sank it into one of the demons while it was focused on Alec. While the demon that Jace had stabbed disappeared into orange smoke that reminded him of the fire Valentine had used to brand the prisoners with on his ship, the other demon made a sound of anger and lunged for Jace. 

Jace managed to move away just in time to avoid the worst of the demon’s claws. He tried to twist and get the seraph blade underneath the demon, on the underside of its pink belly, but the demon was too fast.

The last demon sunk its talons deep into Jace’s side, making him scream in pain and fall to his knees. Blood poured from the wound. Jace keeled over sideways, falling almost on top of his parabatai. Alec, who had regained some consciousness while they fought, tried to shift closer and activate Jace’s iratze. Jace, whose vision was already going a bit hazy, took the blade from Alec’s hand and stuffed it into the demon’s soft abdomen. It made a noise that sounded like nails being scraped over a chalkboard and vanished. 

The demons were gone.

The threat was gone.

Jace’s heart clutched in fear as he realised that, in a matter of minutes, he would be, too.

~ ~ ~ 

Alec’s vision was spotty at best, but he saw Jace killing the first demon. He saw the second demon sink its claws deep into Jace’s chest. He saw his dagger in Jace’s hand, killing the final demon. Most of all, he saw Jace himself, who had collapsed at his feet. His face was a sickening shade of gray, and Alec’s heart pounded so harshly against his ribcage that he feared it might explode before he had a chance to get help.

Alec summoned every last bit of his remaining strength and slid closer to Jace on the dirty alleyway floor. He lifted Jace’s shirt and activated his iratze.

“Won’t...take…” Jace muttered. “V-Valentine made the warlock put a spell on me. Iratzes w-won’t work, Alec.”

Alec’s terror increased tenfold. “Then what will?! Jace, tell me. What will? What will work?”

“Nothing.” 

A sheen of cold sweat broke out on Alec’s forehead. “What do you mean, ‘nothing’? There has to be something. There always is.” Alec beat his fists on his own skull as Jace’s breathing grew more and more laboured. “Think, Alec, think!”

“Magnus!” Alec cried out in a sudden epiphany. “Magnus. By the Angel, _Magnus_!” He dug his cellphone out of his pocket and pressed #3 on his speed dial. “Please pick up, please pick up,” he chanted to himself.

Jace grabbed Alec’s arm weakly. His lips parted like he was trying to say something, but it was too quiet. Alec looked down at his parabatai as the phone in his hands rang and rang and _rang_.

“We’re getting you help,” Alec said, trying to sound more confident than he felt. “Just hang in there, buddy. I’m going to get help.”

“D-Don’t...bother…”

“Jace, what are you talking about?” Alec asked fearfully. “You’re not going to die. Do you hear me?! You are _not_ going to die!”

“Yes...Yes, I am.”

Alec tugged Jace closer to him, cradling the other boy to his chest. “No, you’re not,” he whispered. Tears began to fall down his cheeks at a rapid pace, and Jace lifted a hand with what little energy he could muster to wipe them away. 

Magnus had finally picked up, and he was repeating Alec’s name over and over again with growing urgency. Alec wanted to shout their location to him. He wanted to say something, _anything_ , that would get Magnus there. He had to save Jace. He had to.

But Jace’s arms were around him, and he was holding Alec to his chest, and he was whispering to Alec. He was asking Alec to listen to him.

So Alec, choking on his own sobs, bent closer to his parabatai to hear what the other boy was trying to say.

“L-Love you, Alec...best parabatai I could’ve asked for. T-Take care of Izzy for me…”

“No,” Alec whispered, barely able to speak with the volume of tears that poured from his eyes. “No, no, no. Jace, please. Please don’t leave me, parabatai. Please, I need you. You can’t leave. Please, Jace, I can’t live without you!”

Alec pressed his forehead to Jace’s, wetting the other boy’s face with his tears. The metallic stench of blood filled Alec’s nostrils until it was the only thing he could smell. Jace pressed himself impossibly closer to Alec, shuddering with an onslaught of his own tears. Alec could barely breathe through his gut-wrenching sobs, and his parabatai rune was flaming hot beneath his shirt. Pain invaded every one of his senses, and he heard himself scream in a voice that he didn’t recognise as he felt Jace’s heartbeat grow slower and slower underneath his hand.

“I love you,” Alec choked out. “I love you so much, parabatai. Please don’t leave me, Jace. Please…”

Alec’s entire body flared with pain, and it was pain more excruciating than any he had ever felt before.“No!” Alec screamed. “No, no, no!” Jace’s breathing was no more than a rattle, and Alec felt his heartbeat beneath his palm, slow but there, until it _wasn’t_. Alec shoved his hand underneath Jace’s shirt, desperately feeling for a heartbeat. He found nothing.

Jace was gone.

Alec felt the pain from before intensify tenfold. His body writhed with it and he dry-heaved onto the pavement, coughing and choking on his own tears. All he could feel was _pain_. Alec screamed, louder than he had ever thought himself capable of.

**“JACE!”**

Alec was vaguely aware of the sound of a portal opening beside him, of Magnus stumbling out and taking in the scene before him. He knew he was still sobbing, choking, unable to breathe; he knew he should feel embarrassed that the warlock was seeing him in such a state, but all he could feel was the pain that radiated throughout his entire body. All he could see were Jace’s amber eyes, eyes that used to sparkle when he talked about something he loved, eyes that softened for Izzy and Alec but hardened for anyone else, eyes that sought Clary out in every crowd. 

Alec choked, burying his face into Jace’s neck. 

_How could he tell Clary?_

She would be devastated.

Alec felt a warm pair of arms engulf him, and he leaned into the comfort without pausing to think about it. He recognised the smell of sandalwood and the scent of old books that he’d come to associate with calm, cool blue magic. 

_Magnus._

Alec didn’t even realise he was mumbling to himself until he heard Magnus whisper, “Shh, no, it wasn’t your fault, sweetheart. Don’t even think that, Alexander. This isn’t your fault, darling, I promise.”

Alec let out another choked, strangled sound at that.

_Yes, it is._

And now he’d have to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life.

Magnus carded his fingers gently through Alec’s hair, and Alec leaned into the motion, trying to bury himself in the warlock’s safe, strong arms. He wouldn’t think about the other set of arms that were now limp and cold around him. He _couldn’t_.

“I’ve got you,” Magnus whispered. “I’ve got you, Alexander. It’s going to be okay.”

Alec shook his head against Magnus’s shoulder. 

It wouldn’t.

That much he knew.

Maybe he could find a way to move on. Maybe Clary would eventually forgive him for what he’d done. Maybe Izzy would still find it within herself to love him the same as she had before. Maybe Magnus would be his happily ever after and make him feel like he had a chance at being happy. Maybe everything he had ever dreamed of would come true. Maybe, just maybe, Alec could learn to live with himself again.

But Alec knew for certain, with the still-burning pain in his hip where his rune used to be and Jace’s golden eyes that would forever remain lifeless burned into his memory, that it _wouldn’t_ be okay.

Without Jace, without his parabatai, nothing would ever be okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your place in a community of fandom-ers livin' it up! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3
> 
> With that being said, I'll see you guys soon!!
> 
> ~ Em


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